Looking back to move forward: Personal reflections and stimulations

Personally, I do not believe in making massive new year resolutions mainly because I rarely achieve the resolutions that I made. However, I still am into reflecting on all the things I went through throughout the year so that I can be a better person while making new mistakes unavoidably as a human nature. So, looking back to 2022 and forward towards 2023, here are a few things that I learnt and that I think are worth bringing into the new year. 

Many goodbyes and greetings 

2022 gave me a certain perspective on leaving and in contrast, welcoming. As all of us know, goodbyes are hard. For me, greetings and embracing change are hard, too. Personally in 2022, while goodbyes took time to process for letting myself move on, trying to settle down in new place and with new people felt like skywalking without safety-belts: I have to walk but I know there is a huge risk to fall down - that is the point I feel hard. Embracing change is easy to say but difficult to practise in reality because there are a lot of uncertainties: the culture, the system, and the people compounding trust is not built yet and the communication is being tested. In 2022, I was floating in that cycle: byes, trying to move on and adapting changes, meeting new people & things and learning. I am exhausted but I have come to realize that this is a cycle we have to deal with, the whole adult-life until and unless you want it. In 2022, I had many farewells: some were good-byes; some were unexpected byes and some were the necessary byes I made sadly. There were also a lot of new people and new things I got to know during this year personally and professionally. 

While I am struggling with all of that, I feel that this is beautiful in having a sense that I have been able to process all of that and be conscious every step of the way only because I am a human. 

Plans and values 

Throughout 2022, I was not able to plan anything properly. There were a lot of factors that made this happen. The biggest factor is the whole country is being paralyzed by the coup which narrows me down options to make a choice in terms of career, advanced education and family. Every time I try to think about what is next for me and what plan I should make, the coup stops me thinking, overwhelmingly I just feel that we are not living a life but we are just surviving amidst a lot of adversities made by the coup. What I have done in 2022 was I just faced whatever came into me, made decisions based on the given condition and emotions which is not good I know but I cannot myself to get rid of it. Also, the coup makes me internal conflict between being me and being a warrior over the fight we have. While I'm supporting the fight all the ways I can, I live everyday with a feeling of guilt: whenever I have good food and good moments to enjoy knowing that there are many lives out there, struggling or putting themselves into a front line of the fight. 

Stimulations

So, here is a thought I have been sticking with during this holiday which is how to be better me in the new year. I did not make many plans with a specific timeline to achieve, I rather made

two standing-values which I hope can stimulate me to be 'better me' in 2023:

to be unstoppable for what I believe and to be unapologetic for who I am.

 

I am good at reflecting things and inspiring ideas but I am pretty bad at taking those into actions to forge. I know it by myself and by my closest soul who said to me that in another words many times (you are unbelievably lazy!) I accept that this bad habit makes me pull down to go high and to become someone whom my younger siblings and other young people like me in my community can look up to. So, I made a decision that it is time to change to never stop for the things I truly believe and to take things forward without thinking too much. 

When thinking back, it has been so long that I compromised some of my values to hold things together, to keep relationship momentum and to not fall apart the friendship I made. But now, I question myself whether it is fair for myself to adjust my values and my identity in order to work things out and to keep people in my life. I hate to force myself to say yes not because I agree with it but because I am afraid I will be alone when speaking my mind which is against what peers stand for. I am tired enough to pretend as someone who I am not to keep things stable and steady. In the past, I always chose others over me in terms of family and friendship. Now,

I feel that the priority for the new year should be me.

I will stand firm and unapologetic for myself when people do not agree with the choices I make based on the values I hold and the best interest of me. 

So, here I'm getting ready to say hello 2023. Just sharing here a little song called 'Rise' by Calum Scott. Like lyrics, "You're gonna see me rise." 

"...Cause I've got my best suit on and I'm ready
I've got my sleeves rolled up and I'll be on my way
While my heart's thumping, boom-boom, boom-boom

You're gonna see me rise

Oh, and rise, rise, rise, rise..."